Some days Eddie felt like his life was the opening line for a really bad joke.
"A New York cop and his horny British partner walk into a pub..."
Eddie's head hit the car roof as the flashlight beam swept through the windows. His right leg tangled around the gear shift as his nose bashed Monty's chin.
A muffled grunt escaped Monty as he tried to prop Eddie up, only to have Eddie squash him again as someone banged on the window. Eddie felt long-fingered hands cradle his ass as both men squinted up at the dark shape behind the light, blinking as the figure rapped again on the fogged-up glass.
"Open the window, please."
Eddie looked down into the slightly panicked eyes no more than two inches away from his own. He was vaguely amused—in the part of his brain not currently laughing hysterically—at the thought of being caught making out in a car like a teenager by a PC from the Yard.
He knew he shouldn't have told Monty about Miss Moneypenny and the orgy...
"Inspector, the background information Superintendent asked for." Carol Ross handed the folder to Monty, nodded at them, then turned her attention back to her computer.
Eddie smiled—quite nonchalantly, he thought—and said, "What are your plans for this weekend, Miss Moneypenny?"
She looked at him over the rim of her glasses before answering. "A trip to the country with friends, Detective."
Eddie blinked at the picture that flashed through his brain: a nude Moneypenny reclining against a pile of pillows with Superintendent Johnson draped across her. Nathaniel looked up and caught his eye, still as proper as ever in see-through harem pants and a precisely knotted tie.
He was dragged back to the real world by an elbow in his side. Pointedly ignoring the smirk on his partner's expressive face, he headed down the hallway to the elevator.
"You've got that look again," Monty leaned over and whispered as the doors closed. "Thinking about Carol, are we?"
Eddie chuckled and pressed the button for the ground floor. "I'm not telling."
"Dude, you have to share. Equal opportunity fantasies and all that."
"Not while we're at work, because you'll just get horny and make life impossible and I am not having sex in the bathroom of some random pub."
"Again."
Eddie glared halfheartedly. "Again."
"Well, that's okay because we've already done it, so it's lost the thrill, the ability to stimulate. So to speak." The side of Monty's mouth curled up as he flipped through the case file. "Now, the top of a double-decker, on the other hand—"
"No."
"But—"
"No. Now what's in that file?"
"High stakes poker game and extortion ring. Quite a few bodies have shown up wrapped in barbed wire after playing in games hosted by Texas Thomas."
"What part of Texas is Thomas from?"
"Cardiff, Wales."
Eddie rolled his eyes. "Let me guess, he thinks he's a cowboy from the Wild West."
"Got it in one."
"Is it just me, or do you guys have a lot of weird criminals here?"
Monty flashed a smile. "I think there's something in the water."
"Must be." Eddie grinned back as the elevator doors opened. "Let's go find ourselves a Welshman who idolizes Yosemite Sam."
"C'mon, let's mack out."
Eddie grinned over at Monty on the other side of the car, who wiggled his eyebrows in what Eddie supposed Monty thought was a sexy leer. "Make out. You're macking on me."
"Let's make out, then."
"We're on stakeout."
"So?"
"So? We're on stakeout!"
Monty gave him the familiar "you're such a charmingly prudish American" look. "It's not as if anything's going to happen. One Ball Bill was positive tonight was just the preliminary meeting for this sucker."
"Ratting on Gay Johnny again?"
"Oh, yeah."
Eddie glanced at his watch before settling back to keep an eye on the entrance to the Spread Eagle pub. They sat in silence for exactly one minute before Monty broke.
"You know you want to."
"No."
"Dude, either tell me the latest fantasy or make out with me, or else you'll never get sex from me again."
Eddie chuckled as he turned to look at Monty. "You do realize that the complete and utter inability you have to keep from jumping me every hour on the hour renders that threat completely useless, right?"
A moment of silence passed. "It is not every hour."
"Is, too." Eddie grinned at the pout on Monty's face.
"Is not."
"Is, too."
"Is not!" Monty's mouth quirked as he tried to suppress his laughter. "Every hour and a half, at least."
"Because that half an hour makes all the difference," Eddie snickered.
Monty grabbed the front of Eddie's jacket and pulled him closer to nip at an earlobe. "You're not as young as you used to be. I have to let you catch your breath some time."
Eddie snorted in disbelief. "Calling me old isn't likely to inspire any confidences of the fantasy kind, now is it?"
"Tell me or—or I'll tell Fiona you were the one who ate the trifle she made for her dinner party last week."
"Lying bastard. You know that was your idea."
"Tell. Me. Now." Monty punctuated his words with kisses along Eddie's neck, trailing down into the open collar of his shirt.
The ring of Eddie's cell phone caused them both to jump in the quiet car. Eddie fumbled in his jacket pocket to find the phone before answering somewhat breathlessly, "Arlette."
"We're on duty now, sir, you can go home."
"Thanks, Miller, see you tomorrow afternoon." Eddie turned the phone off and tossed it over his shoulder onto the back seat before finally giving in to the rather urgent tugging on his belt loops. Monty scooted the seat back so Eddie could maneuver his left leg over Monty's lap. Then he sat down and leaned in to whisper in Monty's ear, "Miss Moneypenny and Superintendent Johnson were naked in a harem..."
"—and there they were, the detective sprawled in Inspector Pippin's lap, windows fogged and clothes all rucked up. I thought I would die laughing at the look on the detective's face. Inspector Pippin calmly said they'd be moving along, so sorry to have troubled me, no need to give them a ticket, and rolled the window back up."
Carol exchanged glances with Superintendent Johnson as raucous laughter floated out of the break room as PC Mercer finished his tale. "Do you want me to call them in for you, sir?"
"No, thank you, Carol. I don't think I want to know the full story," he said as he flashed a smile.
Carol returned the smile, then watched appreciatively as her impeccably clad boss continued down the hall towards the cafeteria. As he reached the doorway, Detective Arlette and Inspector Pippin rounded the corner and nearly knocked him over.
"Sorry, Nathaniel, didn't see you there." The grin on Detective Arlette's face was so unreservedly infectious this morning that Carol had to bite her lip to stop herself from smiling in response.
"Not a problem, Detective. This saved me the trouble of having to find you." Superintendent Johnson paused and looked from one man to the other. "I just received a very interesting report from PC Mercer."
Both men tensed slightly before he continued. "He says Rudy Alexander cornered him at the Sticky Wicket yesterday evening with word of Texas Thomas."
"Thank you, sir, we'll talk to Rudy as soon as possible." The look of relief on Detective Arlette's face was comical, and Carol smothered a laugh as Inspector Pippin stopped tugging at the collar of his shirt and attempted to blend in with the wall.
Superintendent Johnson nodded, and with a mischievous smile at the two men in front of him, he said, "See to it that you do, detectives."
With thanks to Veronica and Tiriel, without whom (as always) I couldn't have done it.
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