When I got out of bed this morning I tripped on Napoleon's shoes and by mistake I dropped my communicator pen in the sink while the water was running and I was supposed to trick Mr. Mozart into handing over the bees but he got away and now Napoleon's giving me a hard time and Mr. Waverly isn't happy and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
In the casbah Janine got to kiss Pierrot and Napoleon spent the night reading poetry to Ayesha but all I got to do was talk to Napoleon over the communicator that morning.
I think I'll move to Siberia.
In the car chase Napoleon wouldn't let me drive and Effie got to fly the helicopter. I said I hate sitting in the back. I said I was being shot at. I said, I can drive better than either of you. No one even answered.
I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
Back at headquarters Mr. Waverly liked Napoleon's attack plan better than my description of Quadralinium X.
And when I went along with Napoleon to help his old commander from Korea I got caught and put in the bear pit.
I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
I could tell because Napoleon said I wasn't his best friend anymore. He said that George Dennell was his best friend and that Mandy Stevenson was his next best friend and that I was only his third best friend.
I hope you sit on a sleep dart, I said to Napoleon. The next time you get amnesia I won't come rescue you for a long time and you'll end up in Siberia.
There was lots of yummy soup at the Barnmans' but we had to leave before I could have a fourth bowl and when we got on the ship I didn't get to finish eating my hors d'oeuvres before I had to save Napoleon. And then guess who wouldn't let me eat dessert?
It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
That's what it was, because after saving the world Mr. Waverly took us all to the commissary so Clemency could have ice cream and we all asked her out but she said she was going out with Napoleon. Come back next week and I'll go out with you, said Clemency.
Next week, I said, I'm going to Siberia.
On the way to save the kidnapped passengers Elsa slammed the door on my head three times and while I was waiting for Napoleon to blow up the ship Captain Shark made me talk to the grumpy concert pianist and then when I had to save Tracey from Mr. Alexander I had to crawl through the mud but I got caught and Mr. Kevon tried to make me into a mummy and while I was punching the bad guys Napoleon came back and scolded me for getting caught.
I am having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, I told everybody. No one even answered.
So then we went to Del Floria's to buy some suits. Napoleon chose dark blue double-breasted ones with white stripes. And he chose brown ones with no stripes. I chose grey sweaters with blue undertones but then Mr. Waverly said, We can't afford to buy all these expensive clothes. They made me buy more maroon jackets, but they can't make me wear them.
When we rushed to the U.N.C.L.E. Number One conference in Switzerland to save Mr. Waverly he said I couldn't play with the exploding cakes, but I didn't have a choice. He also said to watch out for the File 40 files on his desk, and I was careful as could be except I didn't have my glasses on. He also said don't fool around with his console, but I think I called Siberia. Mr. Waverly said please don't touch anything in his office anymore.
It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
There was seal blubber for dinner and I hate seal blubber.
Napoleon had to kiss Angelique again today and I hate it when he has to kiss her.
My shower was too cold, Napoleon used all the towels, I dropped my Special in the sink with the dirty dishes, and I had to wear the pink flannel pajamas with polar bears on them that Napoleon gave me as a joke for my last birthday because I didn't have time to do laundry. I hate my pink polar bear flannel pajamas.
When I went to bed Napoleon had already taken all of the covers and the hallway lightbulb burned out and I stubbed my toe in the middle of the night while trying to make it to the bathroom.
The innocents nearly always want to kiss Napoleon, not me.
It has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
Napoleon says some days are like that.
Even in Siberia.
With sincere apologies to Alexander and Judith Viorst. *vbg*
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