When I got out of bed this morning I tripped on Illya's shoulder holster and by mistake I dropped my tie in the sink while the water was running and I couldn't get my cufflinks in right so I ended up late and had to take the stairs so Illya got all the juicy gossip and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
In the casbah I got caught by Pierrot and Illya was getting a massage when I called for help and didn't want to come rescue me for a bit so all I got to do was talk to him over the communicator instead of seeing him naked.
I think I'll move to Emporia.
Illya never lets me drive the car when it's important (he says it's perfectly obvious why he won't) and Mr. Waverly won't replace all my suits. I said I hate getting stuck in the surveillance van. I said I was bored. I said, I can flirt better than either of you. No one even answered.
I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
At headquarters Mr. Waverly liked Illya's plan to get Partridge and said I had to go along and to be sure to take my winter underwear.
At debriefing time Mr. Waverly said I ruined too many suits through carelessness and to stop claiming them on my expense reports. I said I thought that's what expense reports were for. He said don't be silly.
I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
I could tell because Illya said I wasn't his best partner anymore. He said that Mark Slate was a good partner and that Steven Cantrell was another good partner and that I wasn't irreplaceable any more. (I think he was teasing.)
I hope you get caught in a tiger trap, I said to Illya. The next time you get bartered for a camel I won't come rescue you for a long time and you'll end up in Emporia.
There were two Thrush baddies behind a tree and three more behind another tree and Angelique left a nasty surprise in my boutonnière and then we got stuck on a raft in the middle of the ocean and when we got on the ship I got whipped because I couldn't keep my mouth shut long enough. And then guess who had to finish his crab puff before he'd help me?
It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
That's what it was, because after saving the world Mr. Waverly demanded his present from our trip to the zombie-infested Caribbean and it turned out to be Made in China. Come back next week with something better, said Mr. Waverly.
Next week, I said, I'm going to Emporia.
On the way to help Emil escape from Colonel Moresco I got captured and then they handcuffed me to Clara and all she did the whole time was whimper and cry when they shot at us and Illya almost didn't make it in time to save me and he smacked my hand away when I tried to feel him up in the jeep.
I am having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, I told everybody. No one even answered.
So then we went to Del Floria's to replace some clothes. Illya got more black turtlenecks. And then he got a lovely new maroon jacket. I chose a dark blue suit with white pinstripes but then Mr. Waverly said, We can't afford to replace your tailored wardrobe all the time, Mr. Solo. He made me buy off-the-rack, but he can't make me wear them.
When I tried to give Mandy something exciting to do she accidentally ended up with the microdot and I couldn't remember the route I'd given to her and Mr. Waverly was very unhappy and Illya's never going to let me forget about it. Illya also said to watch out for traps in the maze, and I was careful as could be except I had to trigger the pressure-plate one just to tease Illya and now he's not going to sleep with me for at least a week. He also said don't fool around with his secret experimental comm unit, but I think I called Emporia. Illya said please don't touch anything in the lab anymore.
It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
There was meatloaf for dinner and I hate meatloaf.
Illya didn't have a chance to kiss me until tonight because we were too busy chasing bad guys and I hate it when I don't get my hourly kisses.
I got continually dunked in dirty water, I lost my Special, the bad guys ruined three suits in three days, and after my shower I had to wear the short blue terrycloth robe Illya found for me because I didn't have a robe while we were on assignment. I hate my threadbare blue terrycloth robe.
When I went to bed I wasn't sleepy and then Illya said not tonight dear and I think I'm getting a cold from being dumped in the water so much.
I always have to kiss the dippy blonde innocents and then Illya gets mad and won't let me kiss him.
It has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
Illya says some days are like that.
Even in Emporia.
With sincere apologies to Alexander and Judith Viorst—again! *vbg* This is for all the folks who asked for Napoleon's bad day. :)
Emporia, in case you've never been to Kansas, is a town on the turnpike almost halfway between Wichita and Topeka. I lived there for a few years, and it was the most boring-middle-America-small-town-place I could think of to banish Napoleon to and still fit the rhyming scheme. *g*
Thanks to V as always—especially for coming up with the last line left to redo (the dippy blondes) that I couldn't come up with because I was too tired and who betas cheerfully at two in the morning. :)
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