God, this feels great. It's not quiet, it's not still, but it's peaceful. I remember when I was a kid, a cabin like this. Only went there a few times with the family that owned it, neighbors with boys roughly the same age as me and Steven. Not as nice as this, though, not nearly. Simon has some pretty well off friends.
I lean my arms on the railing that wraps around the deck, getting my fill of the soft breeze blowing off the lake. Simon and Daryl got too chilly about half an hour ago and headed back inside. Now I hear them preparing for bed upstairs, joshing each other with soft murmurs. I tune out their intimate conversation, knowing this time is precious for them, too. Instead, I turn my ears outward and listen for you to return.
There is a child, inside my heart tonight
No one can see that child, but you
If I hold on to you too tight
You understand, you hold me, too
We all had a great time today. Fishing, reading, eating, wherever the sun took us. You relaxed, so I relaxed. Simon and Daryl didn't argue about the academy, which is good for both of them. I think you forgot about school, at least for a while. Until tonight, after dinner, when we were all on the deck watching the stars come out. Something hit you and you needed to walk. I heard the rhythm of your heart change as you said you wanted to stretch your legs before heading up to bed. We all watched you and then resumed our conversation. Now I'm waiting for you to come back.
You are the one who reaches through the dark
When I'm afraid, you warm the air
And when I close my eyes to sleep
You are my peace, you are my prayer
I want to hear your voice.
Instead, I hear the breeze in the pines, the lap of the water on the shore and your footsteps as you wander the well-cut path along the lake. You're not going far, so I don't move to follow. I draw an invisible line around the property, cataloging sounds to make sure there's nothing harmful nearby. Cross that line and I'm off the deck.
I know it's been hard for you, facing a new semester without being a part of it. I've tried to just make things normal as possible, going on with work same as always, trying to distract you from the calendar. A year ago, I would have let you struggle. My heart would have been aching but I would have let you do it alone. Then I remember. A year ago that's what I was doing. And you let me.
Not this year. Not anymore. Not ever again.
You are my home, you make me strong
And in this world of strangers, I belong to someone
You are all I know, you're all I have
I won't let go
You have no idea how strong I am now. How centered. Never really knew what that meant until now. It feels right to work with you, out in the open, side by side. Sometimes I know you think I just tolerate you. For a smart guy, Sandburg, you gotta learn how to buy a clue.
You're coming off the path out of the woods now, still far away from me in body and spirit. There is just a sliver of moon tonight, so you're guided by the reflection of stars on the lake in front of you. The lights from the bedrooms upstairs have long since been extinguished, so now it's you and me—and the stars.
I expect you to take the path up to the house, to join me on the deck for a minute or two. Instead, you turn and walk closer to the shore, towards the fallen tree that we sit on while we cast out. You don't sit on it; instead, you slide down in front of the log so it supports your back. You draw your knees up close to your chest, throw your arms around your legs and rest your head.
You know I can see you.
I close my eyes for just a second, knowing this is an invitation. My knees feel a little weak with thankfulness that you're letting me in. I lost that privilege once and you are careful to extend it again. But now it's different. Because now I know.
Others may leave, but you will still be there
Touching the tears that fill my eyes
When I am lost, you are my light
You are the love that never dies
You are wearing one of my old Cascade PD sweatshirts over who knows how many layers so I'm not worried about you being cold. For me, the cool autumn air is a balm to my tired senses, bludgeoned day in and day out by the life we lead. I head off the deck, making my way as silently as possible to your side. I don't doubt you want me to join you; just seems kinda sacrilegious to go bounding up and plop my big self down.
Instead, I move slowly, letting you hear me on the sand. Your head, still leaning on your knees, turns as I approach, from facing the water to watching me. Quietly, I lower myself to your side, mimicking your pose of knees up, back against the log. I rest my head on my arms and then we're face to face.
Before I can say anything, you speak.
"You ok?"
I roll my head back and rest my eyes on my forearms. A little huff of laughter breaks out of me. Why does it not surprise me that you ask first. Will you always think about me this way?
I turn back to you. "Yeah, ok. You?"
You gaze at me, giving me the smallest smile. "Yeah, I'm ok. Sorry about bailing, though. It's just... I remember being Daryl's age, you know? Course I was already at Rainier by then. Man, it felt like the whole world was in front of you, like you could do anything, right? Guess I just miss that energy."
I consider your words. There is a lot in them and I need to pay attention. I start at the end and work my way back.
"Energy? Believe me, Chief, you have more than enough. Working all day, doing your continuing ed at night—Jesus, you make me tired just thinking about it. You were at Rainier at sixteen, no wonder you thought you had the world by the tail." I stop for a second, turning my eyes out to the lake but seeing a younger version of you, a life full of adventure just around the corner. Seventeen and you'd already found the driving force of your existence. What was I doing at seventeen? Clawing to get out of my childhood home.
I hear you sigh and turn back to you. "Don't worry about taking off. They understand." Our eyes lock for a second and you read the truth in mine. There is no judgement here—and damn few secrets. Tomorrow we will go back to our hectic lives and this weekend will fade to a pleasant memory.
You will fight to be a cop and to retain your identity. I will struggle to be a Sentinel but not be enslaved by my senses. Yet in all of this craziness, I know one thing to be true, a truth so profound it makes me shiver just a little as we sit side by side.
You will never leave me.
I will not walk away from you
I will not let you go
You're the only home I've ever known
If you tried, I wouldn't let you.
And in the comfort of that thought another truth is found. I will not leave you, either.
My shiver has left me and migrated your way. I unwrap one arm from my knees and reach over to you; even as I do so you are moving towards me, seeking warmth... and something else. Something that you only seem to get from me. I can give it freely now. And what I get in return is so remarkable it steals my breath away.
You give me a sense of belonging, of home. No, that's not right.
You are my home.
You are my home, you make me strong
And in this world of strangers, I belong to someone
You are all I know
You're all I have
I need you so
I won't let go
Never say never.
I said I would never write a story based on lyrics, never write in first person, present tense and never, ever forgo story for plotless soul-searching. I blame Sir Percy. I had seen The Scarlet Pimpernel on Broadway just before discovering Sentinel fiction. The lyrics, sung between a brother and sister awaiting their death by guillotine, seemed especially poignant for our two boys.
Dedicated to Aithine, who gave up an evening to help me get this out of my system. You rock, sister.
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